80's Classic

My best friend and I go back and forth with songs that best suit my life at this moment. I have always been a fan of this song but I heard it on the radio this morning on the drive to work, Should I Stay Or Should I Go by The Clash. LOL. I thought this fit because he is so confusing one minute he is fine with talking to me about anything and doesnt mind going to store with me and the next he is like no we are not together. He says he still loves me thats why this is so hard for him. He doesnt really know what to do. Sometimes he gives me faith that we will be back together and then sometimes he just crushes it.


My life right now really hasnt changed much except Marvin and I dont share the intimate parts of the relationship. I still do everything for him that I did. His laundry, making sure that he has something to eat you know just little things that a girlfriend or fiancee should do. These little chores are a part of my life that I find it hard to stop them, I still love him so I still want to show him that I want to take care of him. But my best friend thinks that he has already made his decision about being with me she doesnt think he wants to be with me but cant let me go either. I am praying to differ. : )

http://music.yahoo.com/The-Clash/Should-I-Stay-Or-Should-I-Go/lyrics/2110948

"One day is fine, next is black"
"If you don't want me, set me free"

What to say when you talk to your self!

When I went to see the therapist he advised a book to read called What to say when you talk to your self! by Shad Helmstetter. I stated to him that I have a hard time seeing myself in a good way. I put myself down and I dont have much faith in myself. The book has helped so far. It has helped me see that everything that happens day to day really does have an effect on you, if you realize it or not. That things go into our subconcious and it quitely gets repeated and effects us and we dont even remember where it came from.

A quote from the book that I really liked " if you give your mental computer (brain) the wrong directions it will act on those wrong directions. it will continue to respond to the negative programming that you and the rest of the world have been giving it without even being aware of it."
The brain doenst know the difference between negative and positive thinking it takes whatever it hears and if you keep telling yourself that you are bad with names for example you will be and the brain thinks its doing a good job. If you start telling yourself positive things and keep saying them to yourself it will naturally take the place of the negative thought.

Since I started reading this boook every day I tell myself that I am happy person. Several times a day I say this to myself and it does help. Telling myself this helps with getting past the negative and not letting me dwell on things I cant change now. I can only have an effect on the future now not the past. I am only half way through the book but it has helped so far hopefully it helps me get the kind of life I want and deserve.

My life in this moment

Now like last year I am going to be celebrating the New Year by myself. My ex-fiancée and I have been together for four years and last year before thanksgiving we broke up and got back together in January and then again a week before Christmas he broke up with me again. He says that he is not happy in this relationship. He started working a second job to help us financially that’s when things got worse for us.

Since breaking up I did have a real eye opener that I did make a lot of mistakes this time around with him. Instead of taking in the moments that we had together I would dread on the times we were not together. So that would make the time we had kinda suck. I have decided to go to counseling to try to make this better. I want to be a better and more positive person. I don’t want to pass this negativity on to my children. I have lost myself and I have become a person that I don't want to be.

I am not saying that he is perfect he didnt communicate very well with me that I was pushing him away. He says that he does still love me and wants a life with me but he wants me to find happiness and love within myself.

2009 will be my year

I know 2009 will be my year. 2008 has not been a great year for me, although I have my health and my job and my beautiful children.

I know that this year will be my year because I have finally really realized that life is what you make of it. This phrase has never felt so true to me until recently. I am not a very religious person but I have had an eye opener about myself and the life I have been living. In 2009 I will do everything in my personal power to make it better for me, for my children and hopefully for the life that I want with my children’s father.