is the new year here yet....??

The kids had a great Christmas; they got great gifts and spent time with family.

I am ready for this year to be over. I have done so many things that I never thought I would do. I guess they are a learning experience. I have been in love with someone but I guess it was a one sided love. I have learned to let go of some things I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to believe the things that had been said to me about the person that I loved. But they are true, so now I really need to move on, I have said in previous posts that I have moved on but I didn’t. Once he would call me and say the right things i let myself be dragged back in to his web of lies, so he could use me for his benefit. But i can’t blame him i can only blame myself. By the way he is living his life I feel that the life we shared together once was all a lie. I wonder how many things he did behind my back. He is 24 years old and is "dating" a 15 year old. How sick is that. This is the father of my kids, how pathetic. The age difference is not what bugs me, but at 15 she has no idea.....

I have been given insight about myself and the things I have done. I need to work on myself and making myself stronger.

Boys helping Papa!!

My dad had to change my tire and my 2 year old boys wanted to help!! I thought this was so cute!! Andrew walked outside and seen what Papa was doing and had to sit right there and watch and try to help. They are definitely boys lol

Life

My uncle Joe died last Monday. It’s very sad and he will be missed dearly. He was such a great man. He knew how to make someone feel special and how to make someone laugh... I will miss him very much. I was thinking that if I died today what would be the words that people said about me. Why would they be sad that I was gone? Do they have certain words for me that would describe the person that I am that they would miss the most? What have I done in my life to make it great.... I think about the life I have been living and I have taken so much for granted and I don’t think that I really realized it until Saturday at my uncle’s funeral. Besides my beautiful children what kind of legacy would I leave behind? What kind of memories am I giving people? I don’t want people to cry over me. What kind of person am I really?

I want to find true love even if takes me to be 50 to find. I don’t want to be with someone because I am lonely or afraid of being alone. I want someone who is happy to say I am theirs and not grumble and be like yeah that’s the person I am stuck with because I got married. Is there such love like that anymore? Even through the disasters through the day to be happy to be lying next to me. Through the fights and disagreements they don’t want to just up and leave.

I want to take this life and be the best person possible, for my kids, for myself and for my future partner. I want to take this life for everything that it has to offer. I don’t want to take things for granted any longer. I want to appreciate everything I have and every second I get with the people that really really care about me!!! I want to find that person that I just click with.

Desirae

I am so proud of my little girl. She wrote her name all her self and it came out really good and she is only 4!!! She is so smart.

Still Hurts

It’s been almost 7 months and it still hurts. I feel so pathetic. Mostly I feel like I am failing my children. I am 25 years old and I really don’t have my shit together. I don’t have my own home for my children, that makes me feel like crap. I feel like all the plans I make fall apart. I was trying with everything in me to make a life work with Marvin and it didn’t. I get stuck in a fairy tale way of thinking on that all of this is a dream and people are not really like this. Marvin in the past 7 months has shown me a whole different person then the person I have known for the last 4 years. Then I think maybe I put myself in a fairy tale then where I didn’t really see what was going on in front of me.

I have given myself goals that I need to do for myself and for my children. I need to do everything in my power to go back to school. After going to school, it will be able to help me provide for my kids the way I need to. I want to be a good role model for them. I want them to have every opportunity possible. Hopefully soon I can see the world for what it really is. See that people are not really what they seem. I have some figuring out on who I am and the kind of person that I want to be.

You’ve heard the saying let someone go and if they come back they are yours. If Marvin and I are meant to be then we will and if not then we won’t. I hope when he maybe grows up a little more that maybe we can have another chance for our love and to raise our kids together. Love conquers all right?

Its Raining

It finally rained in AZ. The kids had a blast!

5 months

Today it has been five months since me and Marvin broke up. It’s still really hard. I miss him so much. It’s really hard to come to realization that I am really not going to spend the rest of my life with him when that’s all I had wanted and tried to work for, for the last four years. But it’s slowly coming to that this might be for the best, we are two totally different people and want totally different things. I don’t think Marvin really knows what he wants at this point. He still has the party in him I guess. I know that he loves the kids but I guess he wasn’t really ready to be a full time dad, but I don’t know. I am kind of lost as well but I do know that I want to be successful for my children and I will be starting school in the next month or two. I want to be the best I can be for my kids and give them every opportunity possible.

A big part of me still hopes that when Marvin is done with this phase or grows up a little more that I will be what he wants. I still want to be the person that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I just hope deep in our hearts that we can forgive each other for the pain that we have caused each other. I still love him with all of my heart.

I wish us both happiness.

Happy 2nd Birthday to Andrew & Gaige

My twins turned two on the 23rd of April. I look at them and I cant believe they are two already. Time really flies once you have children. We had a party for them on April 25, 2009 at the park. It was beautiful out. It wasn’t too warm and it was nice and windy. All the kids had a great time. The boys got a lot of cool gifts, bunch of clothes and toys. Marvin and I pitched in and bought them bikes.

Happy Easter!!

The kids had a great Easter. So much candy and lots of fun. The weather was great. It rained the day before, so we were grateful it didnt rain on Sunday.

HAPPY EASTER!!

Desi

Finally the cast is off. Its been 6 weeks. In the x-ray you can still see a tiny fracture in the bone but the dr is confident that she will be fine without the cast. She now needs time to get used to using her arm without the cast.

A day outside!

March 23, 2009 Desirae, Nathan, Gaige and Andrew.

Here is a picture of My kids and my nephew Nathan playing outside. It was a real nice day in Arizona so I tried to have them soak it up. It was really windy that day. The weather was perfect. I was very surprised that they were all sitting together like that. I thought it was so cute.

My daughter is still in a cast until next week, hopefully. She has been a real trooper. I am so proud of her. She hasnt let having a cast stop her doing anything.

Life Now

Life is crazy. I was reading the stupid celebrity pages and Jennifer Aniston said something like if breaking up with someone doesnt hurt what was the purpose of the relationship. It was something like that but you know its true. If it doesnt hurt whats the point.

Marvin was/is the love of my life. In the last four years we shared so many things. Happiness, sadness. We have been in car accidents together. He was sitting right next to me when I had to have an emergency C section for the birth of our twins. I remember his face when I told him that I was pregnant with twins. He was so excited but he didnt believe me at the same time. Relationships are hard. Any relationship is hard. I cant tell you how many times me and my best friends have stopped talking but we always found our way back to each other. Now I have the two best friends anybody can have.

The last 3-4 months have been real rocky for me and they were both there for me.

Marvin admitted to me today and like a week ago that he loves me and misses me but he dont know if he can get past the things I have done the last couple of months. He doesnt see the things he has done. He doesnt see him living with another female already doing something wrong. I dont know. I love him with all of my heart and I want to find happiness with him. I dont see my future with any other man.

If we decide to get back together we have a lot to work through, but it will be worth it. This will make us and our love for each other stronger that we got passed this together.

My friend Sharray is helping me find God and ever since we had this discussion its helped in a way. It still really hurts, I miss Marvin soooooo much but its helped me be more rational. Marvin always said that I always acted before knowing all the truth and he is right.

I know I will find happiness I just hope he can grow up and we can move past this hurdle and live happily ever after with each other.

My New Tattoo

Got a new tattoo its my daughters name and her zodiac sign, shs's a scorpio.

Fractured Elbow

My four year old fractured her elbow last night. Crazy girl. She tripped over a ball, flipped through the air and landed on her arm. She has to be in a cast for 6 weeks, this should be fun. She was in good spirits after a while though. She asked me how am i going to wear my jacket i only have one arm? That little girl cracks me up. She has such a big personality for such a small girl. She is my angel.

A great joke

It's Hell Getting Old
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing."
"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Moving on!!

I was looking through other blogs and I found a poem that related to how I feel now. Please visit http://shimo-thoughtsviews.blogspot.com/ and read the poem called The Day We Drifted Apart & After" its a really beautiful poem.

I will always love Marvin he is the father of my twin boys and he has been there for my daughter since day one, but no longer am I in love with him and want the future to share with him. The person that he has developed to be and the person he made me be I don't want to be apart of that.

I have been so happy and content with myself. More then I have been in a long time.

(This was the last picture taken together. 12/13/08. we broke up on 12/18/08.)

TALK ABOUT CRAZY EXS!

Last week he harassed me about my new friend Josh. He is telling me all these crazy stories about him being crazy and that he only hits women and that he is a danger to my kids. marvin told me that Josh is the reason that his ex had a miscarriage. These are very serious accusations. In which if any these things were true that he should not be around his own baby, but yet she is always trying to make him take the baby even when she knows he has to work crazy shifts. The whole situation is bad. marvin wants control on what I still do. I understand if he wants to protect the kids and myself because I am his kids mom but when he asks who I am sleeping with then that's none of his business. He didn't seem to think it was my business what he was doing with the 17 year old while we were still engaged. LOL. He is a freaking trip.

I am going to talk to a lawyer about custody and stuff. I had to call the cops on him last week because he came over trying to take my boys from me, because of the whole Josh situation. I am not going to let him emotionally hurt my children. He had no reason to try to take my kids. He has lost his marbles. He has cheated on me, moved out of my house after a 4 yr relationship and moved in with another female already but he has the nerve to talk to me about what I am doing. I am trying to be happy.

I am actually enjoying being single for now!!

I am going to be happy no matter what!!!

New Beginning

Over the weekend I made him move out. I finally have my apartment to myself, with the children of course but I dont have to clean up after him anymore. I am ready to move on and start a new adventure in my life hopefully this one will lead to a real happiness.

I found out a bunch of stuff about him, the kind of person he has really been. From the moment that I heard that he had cheated on me with a 17 year old (he is 23) I was done. Every thing I had for him went out the door with his stuff. He has a new apartment with another female. So I hope he finds what ever he is looking for.

I get real lonely but I have a great best friend Spring and I am beginning to have a good new friendship with Josh he is the ex of the girl that marvin is with and living with now. So me and him have a lot in common right now. We are helping each other through this. We both are going to be happy.

Yay 2009

2009 is here,
I am still having a hard time dealing with everything. I have asked him originally to stay living at our home so he can help with bills. He said that he would stay until he gets his income tax back. I agreed. I was hoping that we could get back together before that happened, but that's not going to be. He says that at first he did see that I could change but then he said that i am going backwards to where I was. That maybe is true I was doing better but now he has been spending all of his free time with this other female who just broke up with her boyfriend which happens to be his friend. lol. He takes off with her until early in the morning. He is always with her and talking to her. He does all this and then sleeps in our room even though its on the floor. Its just really hard.

Its hard for me to be OK and be positive when its only been two and half weeks that we actually have been broken up and he is already planning a relationship with someone else. There is no way that I can deal with the kids sad because they don't really see him, losing him, knowing that he already has feelings for another female and work on myself all at the same time. I will be OK and I will find someone who will love me no matter what mood I am in. I will find someone who I can laugh with and talk with about anything no matter the subject. I will be happy and I wish him all the happiness even though he couldnt find it with me.