is the new year here yet....??

The kids had a great Christmas; they got great gifts and spent time with family.

I am ready for this year to be over. I have done so many things that I never thought I would do. I guess they are a learning experience. I have been in love with someone but I guess it was a one sided love. I have learned to let go of some things I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to believe the things that had been said to me about the person that I loved. But they are true, so now I really need to move on, I have said in previous posts that I have moved on but I didn’t. Once he would call me and say the right things i let myself be dragged back in to his web of lies, so he could use me for his benefit. But i can’t blame him i can only blame myself. By the way he is living his life I feel that the life we shared together once was all a lie. I wonder how many things he did behind my back. He is 24 years old and is "dating" a 15 year old. How sick is that. This is the father of my kids, how pathetic. The age difference is not what bugs me, but at 15 she has no idea.....

I have been given insight about myself and the things I have done. I need to work on myself and making myself stronger.

Boys helping Papa!!

My dad had to change my tire and my 2 year old boys wanted to help!! I thought this was so cute!! Andrew walked outside and seen what Papa was doing and had to sit right there and watch and try to help. They are definitely boys lol

Life

My uncle Joe died last Monday. It’s very sad and he will be missed dearly. He was such a great man. He knew how to make someone feel special and how to make someone laugh... I will miss him very much. I was thinking that if I died today what would be the words that people said about me. Why would they be sad that I was gone? Do they have certain words for me that would describe the person that I am that they would miss the most? What have I done in my life to make it great.... I think about the life I have been living and I have taken so much for granted and I don’t think that I really realized it until Saturday at my uncle’s funeral. Besides my beautiful children what kind of legacy would I leave behind? What kind of memories am I giving people? I don’t want people to cry over me. What kind of person am I really?

I want to find true love even if takes me to be 50 to find. I don’t want to be with someone because I am lonely or afraid of being alone. I want someone who is happy to say I am theirs and not grumble and be like yeah that’s the person I am stuck with because I got married. Is there such love like that anymore? Even through the disasters through the day to be happy to be lying next to me. Through the fights and disagreements they don’t want to just up and leave.

I want to take this life and be the best person possible, for my kids, for myself and for my future partner. I want to take this life for everything that it has to offer. I don’t want to take things for granted any longer. I want to appreciate everything I have and every second I get with the people that really really care about me!!! I want to find that person that I just click with.

Desirae

I am so proud of my little girl. She wrote her name all her self and it came out really good and she is only 4!!! She is so smart.

Still Hurts

It’s been almost 7 months and it still hurts. I feel so pathetic. Mostly I feel like I am failing my children. I am 25 years old and I really don’t have my shit together. I don’t have my own home for my children, that makes me feel like crap. I feel like all the plans I make fall apart. I was trying with everything in me to make a life work with Marvin and it didn’t. I get stuck in a fairy tale way of thinking on that all of this is a dream and people are not really like this. Marvin in the past 7 months has shown me a whole different person then the person I have known for the last 4 years. Then I think maybe I put myself in a fairy tale then where I didn’t really see what was going on in front of me.

I have given myself goals that I need to do for myself and for my children. I need to do everything in my power to go back to school. After going to school, it will be able to help me provide for my kids the way I need to. I want to be a good role model for them. I want them to have every opportunity possible. Hopefully soon I can see the world for what it really is. See that people are not really what they seem. I have some figuring out on who I am and the kind of person that I want to be.

You’ve heard the saying let someone go and if they come back they are yours. If Marvin and I are meant to be then we will and if not then we won’t. I hope when he maybe grows up a little more that maybe we can have another chance for our love and to raise our kids together. Love conquers all right?

Its Raining

It finally rained in AZ. The kids had a blast!

5 months

Today it has been five months since me and Marvin broke up. It’s still really hard. I miss him so much. It’s really hard to come to realization that I am really not going to spend the rest of my life with him when that’s all I had wanted and tried to work for, for the last four years. But it’s slowly coming to that this might be for the best, we are two totally different people and want totally different things. I don’t think Marvin really knows what he wants at this point. He still has the party in him I guess. I know that he loves the kids but I guess he wasn’t really ready to be a full time dad, but I don’t know. I am kind of lost as well but I do know that I want to be successful for my children and I will be starting school in the next month or two. I want to be the best I can be for my kids and give them every opportunity possible.

A big part of me still hopes that when Marvin is done with this phase or grows up a little more that I will be what he wants. I still want to be the person that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I just hope deep in our hearts that we can forgive each other for the pain that we have caused each other. I still love him with all of my heart.

I wish us both happiness.